How to Welcome a New Coworker (Newcastle style)

1. Go out for leaving drinks for the coworker who’s job she is replacing.
2. Succumb to peer pressure and go out for dinner after drinks despite late hour.
3. Sit through entire Chinese banquet with hand in lap beneath napkin clutching train schedule and phone because watch is broken.
4. Dash off for last train of the night despite misgivings. Leave no time to get coworkers’ mobile numbers.
5. Arrive at train station to find it empty. Empty.
6. Ask maintenance guy sweeping up Burger King french fries about trains.
7. Learn that that train is always cancelled, hasn’t run in months. Hear suggestion about waiting for the 4:20.
8. Completely freak out.
9. Run back to restaurant in hopes of finding coworkers.
10. Meet coworkers on path somewhere between restaurant and train station.
11. Say a prayer of thanksgiving.
12. Discuss buses and taxis.
13. Take new coworker (the only female) up on offer jokingly given earlier to crash on her couch.
14. Crash on her couch.
15. Optional: Wear same clothes to work again the next day. Wait. I don’t think that one was optional.
16. Optional: Buy her new toothbrush to replace the one she randomly and fortunately had on hand. Optional, but recommended.